Get all 21 Goodbye Charlemagne releases available on Bandcamp and save 25%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of The Sensational Debut (60th Anniversary Stereo Edition), Christmastime in Outer Space, We Have Your Son, But Please Take Him Back, Messin' with the Monkey [Single Version], Party All Night (Until 10pm) [Single Version], The British Invasion: Part II, Glitz & Glamour, The Sensational Debut, and 13 more.
1. |
Bad Lyrics
04:39
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Sitting by the river
Thinking about the days gone by
And an old lover who got away
How I mourn the passage of time
I feel inspired to jot it down
These feelings from deep inside
I feel the urge to express myself to all
The people far and wide
But as I start to write the lines
Suddenly I realize
That I’m about to write some bad lyrics
I’m about to write some bad lyrics
I almost shared my emotions
But remembered that expressing myself always sounds dumb
So I let those thoughts go
Phew that was close
I almost wrote some bad lyrics
Oh baby your eyes shine
Like the stars through the clouds
Can you believe I almost
Wrote that trite bullshit down
I mean who do I think I am
Opening my heart to let you see me bleed
Like some mopey college freshman
Writing some awful poetry
Art is all about taking a risk
But art is also stupid and pretentious
So I’m about to write some bad lyrics
I’m about to write some bad lyrics
Why'd I peel the layers and try to be revealing
I’ll just stuff it all down and pretend I’ve got no feelings
Can you imagine if
I really went through with it
And wasted ink and paper on those bad lyrics
I was thinking about my granddad
Who’s long since dead and gone
And wondered what he’d think of me
And what he’d say about this song
So I wrote down a conversation
That we never got to say
So that I could share his memory
With my own grandson someday
And while I searched for the words to rhyme
My grandson traveled back in time
And told me
I’m about to write some bad lyrics
I’m about to write some bad lyrics
Let me tell you now that that’s not me
I’m not the kind of guy who does sincerity
I'm sorry but nope, I’ll stick to sarcastic jokes
Cause I don’t wanna write some bad lyrics
I’m about to write some bad lyrics
We gotta stop the war!
I’m about to write some bad lyrics
I’m young and you’re young and we are all of us young
I’m about to write some bad lyrics
Baby baby sweety sweety baby sweety pie
I’m about to write some bad lyrics
A metaphor for sadness goes here
I'm about to write some bad lyrics
When in doubt just repeat the chorus twice
I'm about to write some bad lyrics
Or just keep repeating a key phrase over and over
I'm about to write some bad lyrics
Yeah like that...
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2. |
F Ska Fitzgerald
02:54
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Once upon a time in West Egg Long Island
A man named Gatsby was living all alone
You can see him standing out on his dock with a cocktail
Staring across the bay where a green light shone
He threw a big party in his backyard
The 1920’s never roared so hard
The Great Gatsby was a jazz age fable
Written by this guy, F. Ska Fitzgerald
Gatsby was in love with Tom’s wife, Daisy
Tom was seeing George’s wife, Myrtle, on the side
So Nick helped Daisy and Gatsby get together
Beneath Dr. Eckleburg’s watchful eyes
They thought they were doing it on the sly
Didn’t take long before Tom caught wise
That’s the main plot of this jazz age fable
Written by this guy, F. Ska Fitzgerald
Apparently, as you can see
Morality, in the 1920s
Was more complicated than years before
Ever since the end of the Great War
Bootleg whiskey and bathtub gin
Fueled this era’s degradation
Public drunkenness and sex
But it’s Long Island what’d you expect?
Tom was furious and Gatsby was jealous
But Daisy insisted that she loved them both
She drove home drunk after the confrontation
And Myrtle got run over in the middle of the road
Tom told George it was that Gatsby dude
So George shot Gatsby in the swimming pool
Such a sad ending to this jazz age fable
Written by this guy, F. Ska Fitzgerald
Turn on your green light
Turn on your green light
Turn on your green light
Turn on your green light
Turn on your green light
Turn on your green light
Turn on your green light
Turn on your green light
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3. |
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Old man in a Speedo on the beach
With his arm skin sagging down below his knees
And he’s not shy or bashful as you can see
He’s the old man in a Speedo on the beach
Old man in a Speedo on the beach
He’s got giant balls that everyone can see
See the tan lines peeking out between his cheeks
He’s the old man in a Speedo on the beach
Old man in a Speedo on the beach
He’s completely lost all sense of modesty
He's got sky-high body positivity
He’s the old man in a Speedo on the beach
Old man in a Speedo on the beach
I hope one day to be as confident as he
And if I live long enough then I will be
Another old man in a Speedo on the beach
Yeah someday when I turn ninety-two or three
I'll be an old man in a speedo on the beach
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4. |
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Rudy Giuliani was a friend of mine
He cleaned up the city, oh yeah
He gathered all the homeless people and bussed them on off to New Jersey and Philidelphia yeah
Now Rudy Giuliani took a bite out of crime
He took down the mafia families
And he went up and down 42nd street
And got rid of all the pornography
He was on top of the world
Yeah he had finally arrived
A media darling
Hosting Saturday Night Live
But his wings melted when he flew too close the sun
Yeah Rudy flew just a little too high
Rudy Giuliani back in 2001
The darkest day since I don’t know when
Yeah he inspired hope across the USA
And put the city back together again
He was America’s mayor
Surrounded by spotlights
Hanging out with Will Ferrell
On Saturday Night Live
But it took a tragic turn for my pal Rudy because
You know that Rudy flew a little too high
Now Rudy Rudy Rudy is a little insane
He hitched his wagon to a batshit crazy man
And he booked a press conference at a landscaping place
He thought that it was the Four Seasons Inn
So tragic to see
Rudy’s fall from grace
He’s in hotel rooms with Borat
Hair dyes melting down his face
His law and order ethos
Could’ve taken him so far
Now his license is suspended
Temporarily disbarred
Yeah Rudy’s dressed like Lincoln
Spewing conspiracy lies
And Kate McKinnon mocks him
On Saturday Night Live
Now I’m not sure what to do with him
Now that Rudy’s flown a little too high
Yeah Rudy’s flown a little too high
You’re too high Rudy you’re too high
You’re too high Rudy you’re too high
You’re too high Rudy you’re too high
You're too high Rudy you're too high
Not to mention he helped Purdue pharma create the opioid crisis that we’re still dealing with every single day
Yeah America's too high
Yeah America is too high we're too high
We’re too high thanks to Rudy we’re too high
We’re too high thanks to Rudy we’re too high
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5. |
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She’s got a unique stage persona
She hails from Minnesota
She drove around the USA with Patton, Zach, and Posehn
She starred in Lady Dynamite
Did standup on the late nights
On Arrested Development she played an actress named Debris
My Mount Rushmore of comedy is Maria Bamford and her dogs
My Mount Rushmore of comedy is Maria Bamford and her dogs
She does the high voice, low voice, high voice, low voice, high voice, low voice
She’s a silly goose
She does her dads voice, moms voice, dads voice, moms voice, dads voice, moms voice
And she’s part raccoon
Louis CK’s jerkin
Dave Chappelle is terfin
Apparently Bill Cosby thinks it’s okay to put pills in drinks
Every stupid dumbass
Has a stupid podcast
From LA to New York City all of them are super shitty
My Mount Rushmore of comedy is Maria Bamford and her dogs
My Mount Rushmore of comedy is Maria Bamford and her dogs
My Mount Rushmore of comedy is Maria Bamford and her dogs
My Mount Rushmore of comedy is Maria Bamford and her dogs
My Mount Rushmore of comedy is Maria Bamford and her dogs
My Mount Rushmore of comedy is Maria Bamford and her dogs
My Mount Rushmore of comedy is Maria Bamford and her dogs
My Mount Rushmore of comedy is Maria Bamford and her dogs
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6. |
...and that man is me
04:17
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If you’re feeling down
Like you haven’t got a friend in this whole town
And you don’t know what to do
Cause you feel like no one’s looking out for you
I’ve got some good news oh oh oh
To make you not feel so oh oh
Not feel
Not feel so alone
You’re never really alone
Because…
There’s a man in the bushes
There’s a man in the bushes
You can see him out your window
Standing just across the street
There’s a man in the bushes
And that man is me
You look like you need a friend
Like it’s been so long since you’ve felt wanted and
I know that you live alone
Because I followed you home
So darling take my hand
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you
But life would be too much to bear without you
I promise I’ll always stand by you
Turn around now I’m standing right behind you
It’s just you and me, girl
And no one else in the world
Who can hear you scream
There’s a man in the bushes
There’s a man in the bushes
My love you’ll never doubt
I’m calling from inside the house
There’s a man in the bushes
And that man is me
I’m the man in the bushes
I’m the man in the bushes
I’m the man in the bushes
I’m the man in the bushes
I’m the man in the bushes
I’m the man in the bushes
I’m the man in the bushes
I’m the man in the bushes
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7. |
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Oh my name is Billy Cheatham
And I wuv my widdle fweedoms
I don’t wanna pay taxes
Don’t wanna get vaxes
And I’m not tired don’t need to take a napses
I’m just a widdle baby
I don’t know my right from wrong
I just wanna stay up the whole dang night
And play my widdle song
No I don’t like to wear my seatbelts
I don’t wike to wear a helmets
And I’m not scared of any men
Except the scary government
But I’m a big strong boy
And all I need’s my widdle toys
So pretty please, don’t tread on me
As I play my song again
Oh I’m a widdle whiny baby
And you better believe
That I’ll throw a widdle tantrum
If you inconvenience me
Even though I am an adult
Speaking strictly physically
I am mentally a stupid child
Selfish as can be
Oh my name is Billy Cheatham
And I will fight for all my fweedoms
It’s all about me
I don’t care about you
Oh no my diaper’s full of poo
This widdle baby needs a changing
But I refuse to change at all
So I’ll just sit in my stinky filth
And play my widdle song
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8. |
Cool Kids/Lame Kids
03:18
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How come it’s never people with the cool kids
Who ask you when you’re gonna have kids
It’s always people with the lame kids
Who ask you when you’re gonna have kids
I saw a friend at the grocery store
With a toddler and a baby in tow
The baby wouldn’t stop screaming
And the toddler dumped some paint on the floor
Which I thought was interesting
Because we weren’t at a store that sold paint
My friend asked if we were ready for kids
I said after today no we ain’t
It’s never people with the cool kids
Who ask you when you’re gonna have kids
It’s always people with the lame kids
Who ask you when you’re gonna have kids
I was sitting in my office on a Thursday afternoon
When a 5 year old came up to my desk
I thought it must belong to one of my coworkers
Must be take your kid to work day I guess
Well the kid just stood and stared without blinking
With one finger digging deep up her nose
That’s when her dad asked if I wanted kids someday
I said No while she wiped boogers on my clothes
It’s never people with the cool kids
Who ask you when you’re gonna have kids
It’s always people with the lame kids
Who ask you when you’re gonna have kids
Some people say kids make their lives better
They say that family holds society together
But every time they say it it sounds like a lie
They can never seem to look at you straight in the eyes
They’re starting to crack, they haven’t slept in nights
They’re a prisoner in their own home and they’re dying inside
Dying inside
Dying inside
Dying, dying
Dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead
My mom and dad wanna be grandparents
They keep asking what’s taking so long
It’s kinda weird that my parents keep asking
When my wife and I are gonna get it on
I told them I don’t know if we’ll have kids
‘Cause I’m afraid of how they’ll turn out to be
And plus look at what a mess I am
After the two of you parented me
It’s never people with the cool kids
Who ask you when you’re gonna have kids
It’s always people with the lame kids
Who ask you when you’re gonna have kids
It’s never people with the cool kids
Who ask you when you’re gonna have kids
It’s always people with the lame kids
Who ask you when you’re gonna have kids
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9. |
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The American work ethic has disappeared
Because nobody wants to work anymore
Stores remain vacant or closed altogether
Because nobody wants to work anymore
We are short-staffed today
Because nobody wants to work anymore
I will move jobs overseas to lower the value of labor across the globe
Because nobody wants to work anymore
Technology and innovation have increased productivity without any correlation to employee pay, or employee benefits, or employee happiness
So now nobody wants to work anymore
We are giving you the opportunity to work for tips
But nobody wants to work anymore
Nobody wants to work anymore, nobody wants to work
Nobody wants to work anymore, nobody wants to work
Nobody wants to work anymore, nobody wants to work
Nobody wants to work anymore, nobody wants to work
I believe in a free market
I am a smart business person
But my business is failing not because of me
But because nobody wants to work anymore
Fast food jobs are belittled and condescended to and now nobody wants to work them because nobody wants to work anymore
As a small business owner I can’t afford to pay $15 an hour
As a big business executive I can’t afford not to drain every last drop of blood, sweat, and tears from you until you are but a shriveled husk
Because nobody wants to work anymore
The problem is not that nobody wants to work anymore
The problem is that you don't pay them enough to live
Nobody wants to work anymore but if you don't pay fair you get what you pay for
Nobody wants to work anymore but if you don't pay fair you get what you pay for
Does that make sense to you?
Pay people and they'll want to work for you. It's not hard.
And if you can't afford to pay them, maybe you don't deserve to have a business.
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10. |
#GirlBoss
06:23
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Hey girl
I know this is out of the blue
We haven’t talked
Since senior year of high school
Well I’m good, no great,
No my life is pure bliss
And I have an opportunity
That you won’t wanna miss
How would you like to be your own boss
Wear the crown and sit on your throne
You can even do it in your spare time
No longer be another mindless office drone
If this message has your interest piqued
Let me know so that you can be
Another Hashtag Girl Boss
With a nominal $500 buy-in cost
So what do you say
I can sign you up today
And you join me as a Hashtag Girl Boss
I can see
That you have no interest
Well why’s that
Are you afraid of success
I’m offering a chance
to change your life
So you can be a better mother
Be a better wife
I’m inviting you to join the elite
A sisterhood of boss babes
Sign up two people, get a discounted fee
Plus a cut of any sales they might make
So tell me now what do you say
Would you like to sign up today
And be a Hashtag Girl Boss
It’s definitely not a cult if that’s what you thought
There’s no ulterior plan
And I swear it’s not a scam
Come along and be a Hashtag Girl Boss
Don’t you wanna join a team of awesome ladies
Who all look alike and drive the same white Mercedes
You can send your kids to college
Pay the mortgage on your house
You can take a vacation
Take your husband out
It’s not just a job,
You know what they say
If you love what you do
Then I won’t have to work a single day
Okay
Sorry to keep you so long
I thought you were a Girl Boss
But I guess I was wrong
Let me know
If you happen to change your mind
And if you wanna buy some products
Here’s a link to my website
I’ve got way too much extra inventory
Boxes piled up in my house
And I’m running out of people to reach out to
Already burned every bridge in town
Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine
But if you happen to change your mind
Come be a Hashtag Girl Boss
Selling overpriced organic lotions and lip gloss
Sure it's technically
A pyramid scheme
But that’s the price to pay to be a Hashtag Girl Boss
All you have to do is sell this junk until you’re dead
And ignore that little voice in your head that says
That you’re about to make a bad decision
You’re about to make a bad decision
You’re about to make a bad decision
You’re about to make a bad decision
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Goodbye Charlemagne New York, New York
Failed comedian. Failing musician.
The artist currently known as Goodbye
Charlemagne.
Guitars: Ricketts Parnassass
Keys: Dakota Boulevard
Bass: Dimo Rodrigo
Drums: Flora Lewpinsky
Additional instruments and vocals provided by Kevin Froleiks for tax purposes
... more
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With Love...From Me To You
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Very sincere love songs by a sad little high school boy that could have been me in another lifetime.
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