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lyrics

Alright now people, you wanna learn how to write a solid set
Five minutes to show the world who you are?
Well let’s get started

Now when you first get on stage, you have to say something
That acknowledges the way you look
Something like: I know what you’re all thinking. This guy looks like if Paul Bunyan sold insurance.
Even though nobody was thinking that.

Tight Five
This is how you write a tight five
Tight five
This is how you write a tight five

Next up, you get to do a joke you wrote two years ago but you PRETEND it just happened.
“I was at a restaurant the other day”
No you were not. You’re a goddamn liar.
You were at that restaurant two years ago but the story wasn’t funny until the other day.

Tight Five
This is how you write a tight five
Tight five
This is how you write a tight five

Alright, now that you've gotten those jokes out of the way
You've got the audience on your side now
They trust you.
So that means that it’s time
To move into a little Political Commentary
This is the kind of comedy where you say something the audience already agrees with
So that they applaud.

“Hey you folks remember Benito Mussolini?
That guy sucked.”

Nailed it.

Tight Five
This is how you write a tight five
Tight five
This is how you write a tight five

Alright, I just got the light so it's time to wrap things up
And when you’re ready to end your set.
It’s important that you first say:
I’ll leave you with this.
That way the audience knows they're almost free to go home.
And the best way to end your set
Is with a callback
Because for some reason
People love it when you remind them of a thing you just said three minutes ago

So here we go! Big finish! I'll leave you with this!

I was at a restaurant the other day. (it was really 2 years ago)
And I saw Benito Mussolini, who sucks.
And when he saw me he said
"Hey, you look like if Paul Bunyan sold insurance"
That's my time, thank you very much everybody

Tight Five
This is how you write a tight five
Tight five
This is how you write a tight five

Tight Five
This is how you write a tight five
Tight five
This is how you write a tight five

Now once you have your tight five, you might get booked to do 10 minutes.
Or 15 minutes.
Or 30 minutes.
Or even an hour.
So how do you turn 5 minutes into a whole hour?
Easy
Crowd work!
Where you from? Haha I’ve heard of that place. Haha just kidding.

What do you do for a living? Hoo boy how’d you afford these seats?
Haha just kidding.
You two dating? Would you like to be? Haha just kidding.

Alright that's my time, everybody have a good night

Loose hour
This is how you write a loose hour
Loose hour
This is how you write a loose hour

Loose hour
This is how you write a loose hour
Loose hour
This is how you write a loose hour

Tight Five
This is how you write a tight five
Tight five
This is how you write a tight five

Tight Five
This is how you write a tight five
Tight five
This is how you write a tight five

credits

from I'll Leave You With This, released December 13, 2022

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Goodbye Charlemagne image

Goodbye Charlemagne New York, New York

Failed comedian. Failing musician.

The artist currently known as Goodbye Charlemagne.

Guitars: Ricketts Parnassass

Keys: Dakota Boulevard

Bass: Dimo Rodrigo

Drums: Flora Lewpinsky

Additional instruments and vocals provided by Kevin Froleiks for tax purposes ... more

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